going through me

may 25 2013 :

tonight, it made me think that everything is just as fine as i knew them before.

never did i realize that i was already fooling myself.

until, time can that i would cry myself to sleep.

just about awhile ago, my mother gave me words about what she thinks of me right now.

what she thinks of what's happening to me right now.

what she saw, a big change, even i could recognize but i chose to ignore.

i was going off too fast in some things.

right now, things are too complicated to change it.

but honestly, what's complicated is just me.

i just want sme few things that i cant actually have, but still i am fighting for it.

i pity myself for this.

i can see myself nowhere near a decent future.

what i am witing right now is a perfect time to start.

i can picture one.

a moment.

i believe it's coming close, still it's too long.

the time i need is right now, every time od every day.

but i just cant.

im too weak for that, too afraid.


right, my mind is going off crazy.

for one mistake, it felt like ive destroyed everything.

and it is.

and if i cant find a few as soon as possible,

i am going to crumble down on my knees.

there's still nothing in my head that can solve my case right now.

but to what it really is, i have to wait.

i need to.

it's the only way.


and with that i have to, put more effort in myself.

i need to get back there again and rethink about myself.

retraced of every mistakes ive done, and resolve it one by one.

and it will all start TO ME.

poor lost me

there was this story about the lost pup.

now this poor little pup, he was left alone by his owner.

she left the poor pup somewhere in the streets and let it loose.

the girl ran and the little dog tried to catch up with her.

the girl was lost in sight and the poor dog could no longer see his owner.

the poor lost pup wept in tears in the corner.

some kids tried to approach it but it seems the dog was waiting for one and one alone.

one day, a little found the lost pup.

it tried to bark to scare the little girl away.

but the girl was not afraid to approach.

she understood it was lost and hungry and in need of some care.

she tried to walk a little closer to the little pup.

she tried to hand him some snacks to eat.

the poor hungry pup ate everything, still, it kept on barking.

the little girl walked away and looked for some food for the dog.

she found some and tried to feed him some more, still it would bark.

till now, the story still continues . . . 

to whether, the poor pup's owner would still come back, or he'd choose to follow the new little girl that found him.

in my version, my heart lies in pain ..

i am the new little girl who found the poor pup and would do everything to take care of it, if only, the pup will let me.

but if the owner would come back, and if the pup will run to her happily, i will let him. for it would make him happy. still, i would lie in pain.

>i have loved but not loved back<